The A in LGBTQIA stands for Asexual. Here's What You Need to Know!
A long blog post overdue! Yet another commonly misunderstood and misinterpreted sexual orientation. The A in LGBTQIA stands for asexual, but some may expand it to arosexual, aromantic and agender. In this blog post, let's chat about asexuality and attraction.
Different Types of Attraction
One downside to all of the labels is that even the labels can lack inclusivity and nuance for important, individualized experiences such as sexuality.
Many people say, "forget it!" and operate in the world without caring for the labels. Many terms can feel reductive. Terms can also be weaponized against others within the community who have a slightly different internal experience or a more complex one.
The issue with general terms defining sexuality and attraction is they simplify feelings that can be complex and free flowing.
However, just as there are different sexualities, there are different types of attraction such as intellectual, emotional, romantic, physical and sexual. Specifying attraction types could alleviate this ostracization, provide clarity and understanding to the nuances of various identities.
Sexual attraction is when someone is aroused sexually by another person and wishes to engage in sexual contact.
Physical attraction is when someone is interested in others physical features. This attraction is often conflated with sexual attraction, but you can be attracted to someone's physical beauty and not be interested in sexually connecting.
Intellectual attraction is when someone is attracted to someones intellectual abilities, their mind or intelligence.
Romantic attraction is when someone is attracted to someone romantically and wishes to pursue a close, loving partnership with someone else. Some people may require a sexual, physical and intellectual attraction to others in order to feel a romantic attraction. Others (aromantic) may not typically desire romance.
Emotional attraction is when someone feels an emotional connection to someone else. They feel strongly about someone and connected through joy, sadness, happiness, love, and often feel emotionally bonded.
With many different types of attraction, it is clear that attraction and sexuality are not black or white or anything that can be assumed. The combinations and requirements differ person to person. Someone can be emotionally attracted and romantically attracted. Someone else could be sexually attracted, but not romantically. One attraction may progress into another. There are many combinations. This is yet another reason it is of great importance to genuinely ask people how they relate to these different attractions.
Defining Asexuality
Asexuality is a sexual identity for those who don't experience sexual attraction to others (in the way sexual people do). As asexuality is often used as an umbrella term, every asexual person identifies with it differently.
Drawing from the above definitions, we know there are various types of attraction. With that, ace people can still experience other types of attraction or a mix. For example, ace people can still desire romantic relationships or emotional connections.
In the community, there are also different feelings around desiring sex and having sexual attraction. Remember: Asexuality is about attraction, not desire. For some, it's linear so they have no desire to have sex nor any attraction. For others, it may be more complex.
The feelings and desires associated with sex typically fall in these main categories for asexual people: repulsed by sex, finds pleasure in sex, finds pleasure but doesn't act on it, and doesn't care for sex (a void).
For example, those in the community may get aroused and engage in self pleasure but not have sexual relations with others (as its of no interest). Ace people may rarely have sex, have sex for personal pleasure even though they aren't sexually attracted, or have sex with their specific partner.
Being asexual, and sexuality in general, is not always black or white. It's less of a light switch and more of a sliding scale or a dial.
The asexual community is diverse, and this is often why it's viewed as an umbrella term or referred to as a spectrum.
Asexual Umbrella
With many diverse experiences and individual relationships to asexuality, everyone under the umbrella will have different details for how their asexuality works. To name a few most popular identities:
Demisexual: generally only experiencing sexual attraction after an emotional bond is formed.
Aceflux: sexual attraction fluctuates between sexual and asexual.
Gray-asexual: experiencing sexual attraction rarely, under certain conditions, or experiencing attraction without the desire to act on it.
Please note that, multiple things can overlap. Someone can require an emotional bond first and then still only experience attraction rarely. Quite simply, It can also be confusing. What happens if you are sexually attracted to one appearance, but romantically attracted to all? Those are the situations people find themselves in with no space to comfortably express because it can make no sense.
Let there be comfort in knowing that it doesn't always have to make sense. Defining everything can sometimes be difficult. You don't have to label or define what is felt as emotion on the inside. Feminine energy feels where masculine energy tries to apply logic. Sometimes floating in the currents is enough.
See below for more comprehensive graphic detailing asexual spectrum identities.
Asexual Spectrum Identities & Romantic Orientations
Analyzing societal relationship to sex and sexuality.
Sex is shrouded in taboos and sexual norms with many how-tos and what is acceptable. As an intimate, personal experience, sex is the one realm where listening and understanding is most necessary.
From a lack of eduction to hypersexuality to the unrealistic glamorization of porn to the orgasm gap, sex and desire is often male centered, lacks adequate representation and is used as a tool.
Opinions fly with how it should be done, what feels good, who you should be attracted to, what "normal" attraction levels are. These assumptions and judgments often harm asexual people and create a hostile environment for something so intimate.
An important book to read on sex, intimacy, and reclaiming all types of pleasure: Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown.* This is a book I had all my students read. That's how essential and of high regard it is.
For the empowerment of all people, the topic of sex needs much more education, awareness, and open dialogue. Sharing about personal experiences while listening with compassion and understanding, rather than judgment, is integral to this empowerment and growth.
My relationship to Asexuality
As someone so open about sex and dedicated to sexual liberation, it can surprise people to find out I'm ace. How can someone so sexually empowered, so open and conversational about it be asexual?
If anyone understands complexity and nuance with sexual and romantic identities, it is me. In terms of gender, the only thing I strongly identify with is being non-binary. As for sexuality and romantic attraction, those labels rarely encompass the depth and details of my lived experience.
The progression of my sexuality looks like this: straight, bi, lesbian, pansexual, acespec and queer-romantic. It's clear that it's been a journey of self discovery and it took time. It may continue to evolve. At this point, lets just settle on queer.
As for my experience, emotional bond must precede sexual attraction. Without the bond, i’m definitely not feeling any sexual attraction. The emotional bond draws me towards others and I may consider it. Technically that would mean demisexual. Take it one step further, other people typically do not arouse me. Their physical bodies nor physical appearance arouse or sexually attract/entice me. That's asexual. Do I get aroused? Yes, my body experiences arousal. Being asexual though, the arousal is not FROM or BY others or because of an attraction. Am I interested in sex? I can be. That's graysexual. Can I go the rest of my life without sex? Celibacy is my best friend, but who knows. Do I like sex? Yes, I love pleasure in all forms. Sex is an experience of merging. It's an intimate, bonding, and sacred experience for me. It's an act of "I want to be closer." Welcome to my scorpio venus.
"That's a turn on" is rarely in my lexicon, because I do not feel that attraction by others. Sex is not a requirement or something that's often felt primally. At the end of the day, engaging with sex and the desire to is a choice (for me) that is separate from attraction.
My hopes for people, especially queer people and women, is sexual empowerment, knowledge, and deep orgasmic 'yes' moments. Sex and attraction, to me. is not merely a physical act but also tied into political and social issues. That is why I will always educate and empower to the best of my abilities.
Wrapping Up
Exploring the body and embracing pleasure is liberating. Everyone relates to their sexuality differently. There are different requirements, standards, and internal feelings that emerge when engaging with sex.
Asexual does not mean sexual repression, a loss of libido, a hormonal problem, abstinence, fear, or being "unnatural." Understanding asexuality requires releasing the idea that sexual attraction is required, "normal" and "natural." Sex and sexual attraction may be required for one and absolutely not required for another. Since people feel different things, these experiences are unique, not to be labelled as normal or natural. Some things are the norm, but that doesn't mean things outside of it are less than or problematic. Asexuality is an identity and an existence that deserves space to be understood and heard.
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