Let me take a moment to properly end the previous chapter of my life.

February

In February, I hosted a group trip in Thailand. I saw a side of my ex that I had never seen before. Behind closed doors, I endured an array of highly problematic behaviors that disturbed our relationship beyond the initial issues surrounding our supposed monogamy. Through all the emotional distress, I was told, “Stop crying. You’re embarrassing me,” in public. When I said I wanted to commit, he said, “I don’t care,” all because I voiced concern over his inappropriate behaviors. He denied it all, and then, upon arriving home after speaking to his friends, he came to me, apologized for his behavior, apologized for not listening to me, and decided that we may not be a monogamous couple anymore. He voiced desires that truly aren’t my place to share.

March

In March, we moved into a new place to see if we could truly live together and move forward in this relationship. At this point, the relationship unraveled. One day, I received an intensely aggressive text while on a walk. In that text, he wanted to break up. I accepted it wholeheartedly. I walked back, packed my stuff, and I left the spot I paid for. It startled him because he never thought I would, never thought I could. I took him at his word and finally left. I remained calm, composed, and refused to react angrily. I didn’t fight. I put out the fire he craved and expected from me.

At that point, the spiral began. Months of spiraling! Begging me to come back, to try again, apologizing, straight up denying that we are broken up, and then pretending all is well after he emotionally calms down.

Through it all, my ex told me many, many times that this isn’t for anyone else to know. It’s the world against us, so I should keep this between us because his ancestors and spirits are saying that we are meant to be. Mine weren’t saying that, though.

Most times, when I said I'm not ready yet to be in a relationship, I received a spam of texts, calls, and messages saying he can’t live without me, without us, and threatening certain things. To get back together, I required certain things and was trying to give him the space to do so, but the spiral continued.

One night, I debated reaching out to my close friends, praying and asking them to please reach out to him because he was threatening to commit if we were not going to date. But I remembered: he said don’t say anything. So I figured, I’ll just be his support. I can’t leave, right? And I told him, this isn’t healthy. He agreed. And then he would wild out again.

I told him I didn’t want to be together, told him we are not together. I was very clear in many different ways. The list is exhaustive. He would go from accepting it, giving me my space and time, telling me it’s okay for me to “hate” him, that it’s okay if I’m angry and resentful, that he understands I need space, understands what he put me through these years. Then, he would lash out and get angry. Then, he would cry. It was a constant, confusing emotional cycle. I truly tried my best.

I figured I could ease my way out and that it’d eventually end.

This is happening all throughout March and April.

In March, although I left the house, I still gave him money, my last, to ensure he wasn’t homeless. Although we broke up, I didn’t want anything to happen to him, so I still drove him to work, gave money, and still paid for our phone bill (and just did three days ago). After I left is when he began crowdfunding because I couldn’t support him and myself. He said, “I’ll protect you from the internet,” as people ran to me angrily, thinking I did something to him or that it was my responsibility to take care of him. But I’ll let him be the messenger for his own actions.

Throughout the crowdfunding, he refused to tell the truth about why I was no longer protecting and providing. I remained silent to protect him because the truth isn’t cute. He asked me to stay quiet. He didn’t want anyone thinking I’m single. He didn’t want anyone in our business, and I tried to honor that. He wanted it to be only him and me, and the topic of me having friends and hanging out with friends was a touchy one throughout the entire relationship. (That comes up in a bit.)

Now, after I left, I remained open to rebuilding the connection. I stayed because I trusted and listened to him. I also felt immense guilt when he would look at me crying and say, “So you just don’t care?!” or “How could you just give up after everything we’ve been through? We’re supposed to struggle together and build something later.” In the past, he knew where to hit me to guilt-trip and prompt me to jump into defense. And I really believed some of these things for a second.

I told him so many times, “I can’t do this and I don’t want to lead you on, so let’s just not talk.” And in a silly manner, I trusted him when he said, “You’re not leading me on. As long as you’re in my life, I’m okay.” I knew that was wrong, and it would’ve been best if I trusted myself and put my foot down with a clean break.

But we were very much not together at that time, and I told him many, many times that I needed space and time. I took the time as best as I could. We had boundaries around what we could say to each other, if we could hug, kiss, etc.—what I was comfortable with. It was very communicative and just focused on building connection.

April

By the time April comes, I reconnected with those who love me, including friends. My friends show me what love really is simply by being around. At the end of April, I felt more full, more of love, better positioned. He’s also stepping into his own. All I asked is for him to focus on him while I focus on me, and it seemed that was beginning to happen. So, we discussed what a potential relationship would look like. Again, it’s not purely monogamous, and that’s based on both of our desires, his and mine. We put some rules and limitations but left it at that. The rule from him specifically: no dating men.

Later in April, I wrote in my journal about an embarrassing thing I said to a friend. I anxiously prayed they didn’t take it romantically and wrote a few sentences about that. This is what I believe he saw when he read my journal.

To be clear, the friend and I did not meet up in Bali. I don’t have romantic feelings for this friend.

At this point, he and I are still contentious. Sometimes okay, but still having breakdowns where I wanted to be done. The cycle continues. So then we just officially decided to be open, but he didn’t want the public to know because we didn’t want strangers in our DMs. We often joked about the day someone hits one of us up and says, “Hey girly,” to which we would respond with, “Oh yeah, we’re open.” But I also let him know that if feelings develop, he should tell the person he is in an open relationship and just make sure he communicates with me and the person. I told my friends about this decision. They are well aware.

May

Now... May,

He didn’t have anywhere to stay, so I asked my family if he could stay with them while I’m in Bali (my son being there) and he could help around. My family was already against this for their own personal reasons, but I figured he could save money until his birthday celebration and have a place to be while I am not present. That’s why he was with my son.

Then, I leave for my Bali trip—anxious, scared, feeling alone. At this point, right before the trip and during the first few days, the space is truly helpful. Things are looking up.

While on the trip, we talked a lot at first, but as I opened up to others on the trip, communication between him and me slowed down. The separation was so necessary—a natural boundary where I could breathe and think about what I want. Initially, I thought, hmm, maybe we can do this! I so desperately missed home in the beginning and what once was.

As time passed, I laughed with friends, soul family... I experienced myself as an independent person, not possessed, controlled, or just with one person all the time. I decided what I wanted and prepared to tell him.

One day while in Bali, my ex went through my journal and read it. I believe he found what I wrote in April—the clear manifestations for what I wanted and my connection to my friend. If this isn’t correct, I’d hope he would tell me, but he placed my Polaroid picture back in my journal... I’m assuming on the page he read.

He blocked me and apparently believed that I was on a trip with that friend who he said I may be in love with. All of these assumptions and ideas, and he stuck with them, held to them.

But I went to Bali having no feelings or motives. I didn’t see the friend, and even if I did, that’s okay. The old me would affirm my ex and hurriedly say, “No, I didn’t see them. I didn’t hang out.” But the new me knows that it’s okay to go out with friends.

On the trip, I expected to be in my lonesome world and figure things out. On that trip, I discovered that more isolation is not what I needed. I needed solitude and community.

And I found that in many ways. But there was no overlap. So, in all directions... no overlap, no cheating, no anything.

He blocked me, then my current partner and I really saw each other. We did not start anything, didn’t really speak until the end. Our union was completely unexpected. Everyone knows exactly what it was.

After that block, I went about my life—living my life, finding myself, experiencing joy, and everything else. I’ve had the opportunity to learn and unlearn, to be in community, to own my desire, to set the rules I would like, and to pursue the connections I want. To post what I want. To emotionally regulate myself. To dive into hobbies. To begin a new life.

June

In June, he emailed me a long, angry email after someone apparently sent him one of my posts about my new connection. I blocked the email because of its manipulation tactics. I can spot when he’s trying to pull me into the volatile dynamic that I let go of in February.

The intentions are very clear. What he wants is very clear to me, even if it’s not clear to strangers. I don’t wish to play into the game any longer. Every time I pull away, experience joy, or say what I want, something happens over there to try and disrupt that. This is just another display.

I am now fully removed from the relationship and am able to reflect. I know what he is doing, and I will not let him continue to think he can control me, my life, my mood, how many friends I have, how long I can hang with friends, what I can and cannot post... We are NOT together. That became very clear with that block. But no more silence from me.

I understand the hurt and the pain, especially when one doesn’t know what’s happening. I get trying to fill in the holes when there is no communication. But the truth is very clear.

I walk with clarity and peace. Joy. There is no chaos, no confusion.

I take full responsibility for staying around too long. I take responsibility for not speaking up earlier. I take responsibility for allowing things to go on, not asking for help, not being honest with what’s going on. I learned so much from this relationship, good and bad things.

Nevertheless, we communicated heavily and made proper decisions.

In the moment, I thought the best decision was to extend more, do more, give more love and grace while also trying to process and heal from my own wounding. I tried, and that’s all. I’m not perfect. Things were sticky. Mistakes made. We learn.

To Conclude

I did not step outside of my relationship. That’s not my character. I communicated through all methods and we decided that we are not in a committed monogamous relationship. I also connected with my current partner after the block and it was quite unexpected.

I will no longer give him the space to come up off me, to grab for what I’ve built, or manipulate me in any way. I’m sure he’ll respond to this in any way he can to try to make me hurt like he’s hurting. But truly, I hope he gets help.

This is my final statement. I will not dance in the aggressive, reactionary, possessive, controlling, and manipulative behavior that characterized our connection. I know exactly what’s going on and what’s been happening for the past 2.5 years. I can see now. It’s not okay, and it shouldn’t be played into by anyone. This is the end of a chapter publicly, and I’m on to a new book.

So I’m going to share my life as I please, experience my joy, discover more of who I am... without fear or worry of who may potentially lash out, assume the worst of me, hate me, no.

I know what’s good. I hope you do too! This is it y’all ✨