Standards Vs Expectations: Spotting the Difference
"Write your standards list.” A common, yearly reminder I share with my audience. It's about time for that reminder.
What are standards?
Standards are guidelines for what you will accept. Your standards inform what you desire in platonic or romantic relationships, experiences, and environments. To have standards is to possess certain needs, values, and requirements.
A standards list is a list of standards which assists you in recognizing what you require for any relationship or environment.
While standards are what you require and will accept, expectations are your perceived hopes for other people and things. Standards are for you.
Can you think of any situations where you struggled with standards vs expectations?
What are expectations?
Expectations are strong beliefs in the behaviors and happenings of others and things.
Due to the diverse upbringings and circumstances of individuals, stating universal expectations often falls short of the reality. Blanket statements say to expect everyone to behave in certain ways. Reality shows that is not true. Expectations lead to emotional attachments to outcomes and behaviors that are out of your control.
A good slogan for expectations:
Only expect what they’ve shown you can expect. Only expect what they have shown you.
Projecting standards onto people as "expectations" is often the cause of many issues. It's easy for these standards to morph into expectations upheld by fantasies. When this happens, it can also be difficult to spot.
Unwarranted expectations place people in boxes they didn’t put themselves in. These expectations typically pedestalize or denigrate others.
Expectations project an image onto someone or something. You expect them to behave and act in specific ways. Expectations can be simple such as "I expect someone to make me food." Other times, due to various wounds, a subconscious negative expectation exists. These expectations say things like, “this new person will mimic the past and betray me.”
These expectations box people in and create barriers to seeing people and situations for what they are. You see things for what you believe it should be or could be.
How do you tell the difference between standards and expectations?
Standards are more objective.
An easy way to spot if you're projecting standards onto others is when the situation is always different than what you… expected.
The standards are set. Do the individuals and environment around you match your standards? If they do not match that standard, can you expect that of it? In terms of people,
Expecting things from individuals who do not possess that capacity is to hold onto potential and fantasy, forcing them into a box they never claimed.
The standard exists so that you create and accept what aligns with the standard. The expectations exist as a form of belief in what should happen.
You may have a standard, but expecting it to be met or known by everyone can cause issues.
How do I know if this matches my standards?
It either checks the boxes or it doesn't. Sounds easy, right? No, it may not be that simple. Someone or something's expressions may differ from your perception of the standard.
There is a difference between a standard not met and a standard being met in a way you're not accustomed to.
You may fantasize about your desires, but if you've never had it, it can be difficult to truly see when it's present. This is what the healing work is for.
For example, If you are used to chaos, peace may feel uncomfortable. If you've associated intense, long drawn out arguments with love then a short, efficient disagreement with solutions may appear dismissive or unfinished.
Another example: one of your standards may require healthy communication. The person may communicate with you very well, but the process may be different than yours.
Imagine this: you need to talk in the moment, and they need space to regroup and then resume communication afterward. This style may trigger you to believe that's not loving, but for them, that regroup may be a sign of their love and boundaries. They are willing to communicate after space. Truthfully, you may specify in your standards that another person should communicate with you “like this." That's acceptable. However, in any relationship or experience, flexibility and awareness are both essential.
Love languages are another perfect example of how an expectation of love may present itself and be received differently. It’s important to remember that the perceptions you have of your standards may not be the same as how others perceive that key standard. Communication is important here.
Another way to know if it doesn’t match your standard?
If you’re routinely requesting the same thing only for the response to fall flat then this person or thing does NOT match your standard. With a person, this may come off as tugging and dragging them to act or be a certain way. That tug is because they are not meeting your standards. Rather than sacrifice a connection, many people hold on in hopes and expectation that the person changes.
People do have the capacity to change. Waiting during that period may be worthwhile. Nevertheless, the reality to accept is that this person may not match your standards at that moment. They may not have the capacity. Accepting people where they are instead of expecting them to be somebody else will spare you the heartbreak.
Express what you need if standards are not being met. Commit to the work or walk away.
Tips for Writing a Standards List:
- Always be cognizant of whether standards are aiding in your growth as a person.
- Be specific.
- Steer clear of prejudice and any -ism.
- Make it long.
- List things that align with your values.
Acknowledge your needs and your expectations. Recognize people, objects and experiences for what they are. Expectations suggest what you want everything to be. Standards layout the rules, values, and requirements you carry. It’s what you’re looking to have around you. As the keeper of both your own standards and boundaries, it’s important to clearly define them and primarily accept those things.
Many people set their standards and get upset when others fall below them. Similarly to boundaries, standards are our job to set and protect. It’s not anyone else’s job to change or mold to fit it. If the person, place or thing doesn’t fit, it is our job to move accordingly. It is not our job to fix, change or force anyone else into anything.
See things for what they are, where they are, know your standards, and move forward from that place.